Log in

-rise up--shakedown!- [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[28 May 2007|10:55pm]
i hate the fact that you're not around when i feel like i need you.

i just want you to reassure me. and tell me to kick some ass. and be interested in what i'm doing.

but you let me down. like always. and what's worse is that i keep coming back for more...

i just don't fucking get you.

[26 Apr 2007|06:45pm]
i'm really fucking frustrated.

1 killed.me| kiss.me

[05 Apr 2007|09:14pm]

2 killed.me| kiss.me

[04 Mar 2007|02:48am]
FUCK...i got my nose pierced for the third time...through the same hole..

and it hurts...

third time's a charm, right?

augh! cuddle?
2 killed.me| kiss.me

[06 Feb 2007|10:31pm]
it was brought to my attention today that i haven't updated this crap in a while..

sometimes, i just don't feel like writing down what i'm thinking. although i should. i hold too much inside.

i haven't smoked in 30 days. this is 5 years overdue.

really, i just can't get rid of the lj. but i should. soon...like getting rid of smoking...
1 killed.me| kiss.me

[18 Oct 2006|12:37am]
i wish that when you came out of the womb, god handed you an envelope that your mother would keep for you until you could read and understand it. and in that envelope would be something you were supposed to do with your life. what you were supposed to do...let's say..in my case, after school. this option would be where you are the happiest, most successful and making decent money that would take care of your needs.


so i graduate in may. im trying to get an internship for spring semester...and as i look through them i realize, that yea, my time is up. i'm going to be thrown into a real work environment (not that i haven't been in one already) but someplace i can't get out of because i have class...or a test...or a meeting... i won't be able to really attend to my family and friends, because, i'll be an adult--in the real world and i'll have to take care of myself and my job--and that's it.

maybe im being pesimisstic (and a bad speller) but i'm just scared. and its funny because i was having this conversation with someone else talking about how everything falls into place. and i know its true--but it's the uncertainty that bothers me. how will i survive?

right now i feel like im going to be living with my parents forever, away from the person i really care about, doing mediocre work at jobs that i lose interest in quickly...always working to make more money but not advancing. and i feel like i'll be doubting myself the whole time (but we all know this is true...i need to read WHO MOVED MY CHEESE AGAIN). uncertainty and change just bug the hell out of me.

i want that stupid envelope.

i guess all i can do is lean on my family and friends and god for support. and hope that i will, in fact, find what's right for me. and soon. i envy the people that have always known what they wanted to do. cuz i'm lost as hell. grad school, teacher certification, peace corps, internships, jobs, traveling...BEING A BUM.

isn't it sad that i'll have virtually a whole world of options but i'm such a control freak that i'd rather have my life outlined for me (making sure i'll be happy, of course.)

anyways...my anxiety is high, i can't sleep...and just when i feel i'm doing better in school and really TRYING..i feel myself slipping again.

strength. and a hug. ggrrrrrrrr
6 killed.me| kiss.me

SHEESH!! [10 Oct 2006|10:11pm]
oh my god, i'm so tired. i've been working my ass off on a project, keeping up with regular schoolwork and been taking care of my mother. i think i took my vacation too early in the semester. i can't wait for this to be over. so much to do. spring class schedule is already out. oh my god.

i thought maybe it would be nice to get my feelings/frustrations out. but i'm really just tired. too tired to write in this thing. and it makes me sad that LJ is a dying breed. boo frickin hoo.
2 killed.me| kiss.me

[05 Sep 2006|02:11pm]
you know what's gay?

caring about someone
matters of the heart
loving someone
missing someone so much, you feel like you're about to explode.

2 killed.me| kiss.me

[21 Aug 2006|11:29pm]
do i settle for mediocrity?

or am i just comfortable?...

[28 Jul 2006|01:11pm]
you make me sad. no, i take that back--you make me feel crazy. more manic than anything else. i feel like i can never do anything right when all i ever try to do is make you happy. try to give you space, try to do what you want...or would like.

aauguhghghghhg. great googly moogly. i need to kick this mood. in the balls.

maybe i just need to punch a wall--yea yea that will feel good.

uhhhhm. i get to work tonight. and im excited. journey/def leppard. yeayeyayeya

why do i still have this thing?
4 killed.me| kiss.me

[06 Jul 2006|04:24pm]
my head is suuuuuuper cloudy. almost like i drank too much last night--but i didn't drink anything!!

i think i just enjoy sleep.

pirates of the caribbean tonight at midnigh. rawr.

this internship makes me feel blah. and why is it that i always find the job in which they CANNOT remember my name? i mean, i understand it could be difficult to some...but it's like they don't even try!

man, i'm peacing outta this joint early. booooo.
1 killed.me| kiss.me

[05 Jul 2006|12:24pm]
Come support us!!!


nervous. [08 Jun 2006|04:01pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

i'm sitting at my internship. really doing internshipy-things. kinda bs--kinda not. but i mean, it's cool i guess... i hope that i learn to like it. i hope that i begin to think of it (and learn) as something other than a waste of time. i'm not admitting that to myself just yet--but i think it's still too early to tell.

i had to watch a webinar (ha) of the demo of this software program. it was 60 minutes of gibberish to me. once i get versed in this, i get to claim billable hours and get paid. but i'm afraid i'll never get to that point. i'm afraid i'm going to hit a roadblock and stop trying. stop caring. and give up. that would make this entire experience pointless. i see myself as just getting frustrated--i give up too easily.

in an hour i get to drive my butt to the folklife festival to work. for my first day. i'm nervous as all hell. what if i don't get it? what if i'm not good, what if this really isn't what i want to be involved in and think that everything is a mistake? i mean, this is something i've had my heart set on for such a long time--now the opportunity is here and i'm afraid of failure. it sounds so stupid to be scared of a job--not just the first day of work. but i am. sure, i can always quit--but then again, that would be me--the quitter.

so pretty much, IM FUCKIN NERVOUS--about this whole weekend. about this summer. about these jobs that could transform into AMAZING opportunities.

maybe i don't want to grow up. maybe i just want to go back to working at embassy golf where my biggest fear was if kristin was going to stop by on a saturday morning or what time i'll end up leaving so i can go out. oh, such is life.

i have had a lot more free time this week...that's nice. i don't feel like i'm in chains at this internship (or job--but i don't really know yet)...

although, i'm not gonna lie, i'd almost kill to take a week and sit on the sand in santa monica with my hair gritty with sand and stuck to my face with saltwater.....those were amazing summers. now i'm growing up and i'm scared. will i ever get another chance like that? GEE I HOPE SO.

so on that note, i'm gonna go study this computer application. eat some of those strawberry candies (with the goo in the middle) and think of how good it felt last night and this morning to read a book instead of watch tv..

i'm weird, i know. you don't have to tell me...

4 killed.me| kiss.me

[05 Jun 2006|09:53pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

fuck dude. it seems like the past few weeks have been severe ups and downs. not like a little rollercoaster...with extended ups and downs but WHAT THE FUCK

im either floating on clouds or im fighting the urge to kick a hole in my wall..

and yea, duh, right now i want to kick a hole in the wall...would i be writing otherwise? i think not.

why do i even waste time in this thing? my mom and i were talking the other day about how i dont talk to anyone. and it's true. i deal with things myself--but while i'm dealing with them, they consume me.

i think i'm afraid to admit or say something outloud to another person--i feel like it solidifies something--and what if i change my mind? what if that's not how i want to view it...

i don't know. im confused. i feel confused like a teenager going through puberty. wtf. seriously. haha. and i'm stressin trying to get into this job and get my paperwork done, i have no money and this internship has already dumped homework on me and i've only been there two days.

i know, its gonna stress me the fuck out. i hope i can be strong enough to work through it and learn and get somewhere with it...

ugh, this makes me want to disappear. or maybe just scream.

GRRRRRRRRRR...stupid fuckin thoughts stupid fuckin emotions

6 killed.me| kiss.me

sucks! [29 May 2006|09:15pm]
it sucks when you realize you can't win at life. it sucks when you fuckin realize that just when you think/hope everything is falling into place you have nothing.

you're depressed. you lay in bed wondering what the fuck you're doing here. why you're here. just when you get things that make you excited--give you something to look forward to, they're suddenly things that you dread. things that you want to go far far away. things that you haven't even started suddenly look so omnious that you want to crawl into a hole and die.

it sucks when you're screaming at the top of your lungs--every inch of you is going into something and you get no reaction. you get nothing in return. no, thats not what you want--satisfaction, but its knowing that someone is listening to you. REALLY LISTENING TO YOU. you feel a lot less hopeless.

why didn't life come with an instruction manual? why is it that i cant BEAT THE SHIT out of someone to make them believe me--beat some sense into them--and still have that be legal and ethical? i tried to get away only to come back to a life that i have fucked up. it sucks knowing you're wrong--it also sucks knowing you're right and no one believes that.

i'm tired of laying in bed and sleeping just to get away from the thoughts that have been consuming me. AUUGH

i don't even wnat to deal with this inane bullshit anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck everything!
5 killed.me| kiss.me

STILL!?!?!?!?!? [23 May 2006|10:04pm]
still restless.
still unsure.
still sad.
still angry.
still feeling like i don't know where i'm going.

i have another internship interview tomorrow. YESSSS. wish me luck.
shit, i need something...

i miss you...already. shit. :[
1 killed.me| kiss.me

frustrated!! [21 May 2006|05:49pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

AAUUGGHHH!!!!! i feel like i can't win in life!!!!! i don't know what i want or where i want to go!!!

and i feel so far away from my bests that its eating me alive.

i dont want advice...i dont want to know what i "should" do...i want someone to fucking hug me while i cry. that's all i feel like i can do. it's so frustrating knowing you're screaming on the inside and nothing is getting done.

i hate the phone. i hate calling people. i hate people calling me. i hate text messages. i have leaving voice mails. i hate hearing the greeting on someones voicemail. i hate beer. i hate drinking. i hate parties. i hate sleeping. i hate tv. i hate eating. i hate not having anything to do. i hate having too much to do. i hate it when i'm ignored. i hate it when people don't listen to what i have to say. i hate feeling responsible for things i shouldn't. i hate being upset. i hate being angry. i hate feeling so fucking alone.

basically, i'm just pissed off.

that is all.


3 killed.me| kiss.me

ugh [14 May 2006|08:28pm]
it seems like everyone i knew in high school is either engaged or talking about becoming engaged.

it makes me kinda sad.

like i'll never get married.

boo fucking hoo
11 killed.me| kiss.me

school. [07 May 2006|10:33pm]
i'm almost done with school. junior year. in one short year, i will have a degree.

i feel like im in the same place i was 4 years ago, thinking "oh shit!! i'm finally graduating high school next year! what am i going to do? go to college? here? out of state? maybe community college? maybe i'll just work"
only this time it's a heftier decision.

do i want to travel?
try grad school?
intern abroad?

i wish i could have an idea of what i'm SUPPOSED to be doing with my life. what would be the best decision. or perhaps, have someone else make them for me.

i want to have a plan. settle down. and not have to be some sort of lost soul on a mission...with a piece of paper in her hand but no technical experience.

i'm not gonna lie though--i'm happy. maybe i'm confused about the next year ahead of me--but who isn't. right now, i need to curl up and focus on taking this one final.

and my job!!! i learn nothing!! i've been at the same place since i started there. i get so bored and just DREAD the thought of having to sit in that chair. also something i need to work on. augh. meow.

i'm tired. this weekend's been emotionally draining. pffft.
1 killed.me| kiss.me

meow? [03 May 2006|10:45am]
[ mood | productive ]

feel kinda like i'm floating around. it's not so bad though. i'm happy.

i'm 85% happy with the way i've done in school this semester. just finished up a bunch of projects. it feels good to succeed. i'm not gonna lie.

did the adopt-a-beach clean up on saturday--and i will never throw trash on the beach again. all of us should be ashamed for littering!! REALLY!!! it was filthy...and to think all that shit ends up in the ocean...floating around the animals--and floating to other areas of the world. SIICCCKKK!

but it was nice to do something that mattered. do something other than wake up the next morning with a hangover--the shit we picked up will affect someone else at one point (no matter how small the impact).

i'm beginning to take joy in things i thought i never would. see beauty in things i never thought i would see. things i've been curious about but never had the impetus to do. i think i have you to thank for that.

needless to say---i'm just about done with school. im a senior. and quite frankly, i dont want to grow up yet. i mean...do i have to?


i want to go to the beachhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. meow.

2 killed.me| kiss.me

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]